Heaven is eternal – the earth endures.
Why do heaven and earth last forever?
They do not live for themselves only.
This is the secret of their durability.For this reason the sage puts himself last
and so ends up ahead.
He stays a witness to life,
so he endures.Serve the needs of others,
and all your own needs will be fulfilled.
Through selfless action, fulfillment is attained.~ Wayne Dyer version
As a person who has had issues with setting boundaries all my life, I have some resistance to this verse of the Tao.
My initial response every time I hear or read it, is to question where self care ends and ego begins.
Is it egoic to want to take care of my own physical, emotional and spiritual needs so that I am in a position to “serve the needs of others? I don’t think so. And I don’t actually think that is what Lao-tzu was saying here.
The third line of this verse states: “they do not live for themselves only [my emphasis]“. This infers there is still a value and importance placed on living for the self.
“Serve the needs of others,/and all your own needs will be fulfilled” suggests a balance exists – if you manage to find it.
I think this verse is more about giving to others in our thoughts, words and actions, without any expectations of receiving anything in return. This is the essence of unconditional love.
The challenges of Unconditional Service and Love
I have grappled with the concept of unconditional love for decades, but particularly in the past 12 ½ years of being a mother.
I think it is very easy to say we love someone unconditionally, but I believe true unconditional love is extremely rare. Sometimes I conclude it’s almost impossible.
I have had partners in my life who I have loved about as much and as unconditionally as I think is possible. But when I dig down I can always see there were definitely conditions placed on my love – on my giving, on my serving.
I wouldn’t stay with a partner who didn’t love me back and did not make any effort in our relationship, so by definition, that is not unconditional love.
I adore my daughter and the love I feel for her is about as unconditional as it gets, but what I find with her ( and in my past relationships) is that it can often feel like our love is being given without expectation of getting anything back (especially with) a baby, but often –most of the time- we don’t realise we have an invisible tally sheet that we are constantly adding to, and eventually we expect payback.
If we don’t get it, silent resentment builds up and often comes out when we are under stress.
I sometimes find myself telling my daughter she is ungrateful and doesn’t appreciate all I do for her (usually when I’m exhausted and stressed, and she is asking for something).
Now if I was being selfless in my giving – in my service – I would never expect a thank you or appreciation in any way.
But that’s not how we’re wired. Read The 5 Love Languages and you’ll see we all have ways we like to give and receive love. An absence of receiving will lead to relationship break down.
So I need to notice when I’m pulling out the tally sheet, and when I maybe should leave it in my pocket.
The List
I actually recently started “The List” in our household, which is not at all about serving without getting something back, but in a way it helps me not to build up the silent resentment.
“The List” is a list of favours/ big acts of sacrifice/ love that I do for my daughter that require me to be quite selfless and making sacrifices.
I have told her I’m starting this list so that, in her teen years and later, when she says “you never help me” “you never let me do what I want to do” “You’re the worst mum in the world” etc etc (teen angst), I can pull out “The List” and remind her of all the sacrifices I’ve made for her over time.
In truth, I have very little on “The List” because I forget to add things!
But I’ve found it a light-hearted way of letting her know I’m pushing my own needs and wants aside in that instance so that I can give something to her (time, an activity, a physical item etc).
Ego? Probably. But I do find it helps diffuse the potential resentment build-up when I’m able to say “ok, we’ll do it…but it’s going on The List!”
I think it also, in its own way, helps me be selfless in the “above and beyond” acts I do for my kid.
Where do boundaries fit in?
I guess the above example is a way that I bring in boundaries to my relationship with my daughter.
I’m saying “don’t take this for granted. I’m making a sacrifice here and I want us both to acknowledge that.” It helps me to feel less like a doormat and more like a generous, appreciated mother.
No, I am not a sage! 😉
I have, however, attempted to be sage-like and selfless over my lifetime, only to find I’m just completely draining my physical, emotional and spiritual self by giving endlessly (and often inappropriately) to others.
The endless giving – love, time, money, you name it – that I have participated in for most of my life was not selfless or sage-like. It was driven by a learned need for approval and need to please in many cases.
I am a very generous person, and in many cases I’d rather a genuine verbal “thank you” than any gifts or gestures in return for my generosity. And sometimes I genuinely want nothing, not even a “thank you”.
Where I have got in trouble is when I put my needs last with the unspoken, unconscious, expectation that “my turn will come”. Karma will deliver.
OR I have wanted so much to help someone or to trust in the inherent goodness of human kind that I have mistaken selflessness for silliness, and not listened to my instincts.
Hence there are many people out there who owe me money, and never intend to repay it, I have often felt taken-for-granted and people have a misconception that they can get away with anything with me and I’ll always forgive them.
Basically, I’ve allowed myself to be a doormat people walk all over.
Learning to set and maintain boundaries is, I believe, in service of others, and that’s what I’m working on these days. Serving ourselves first can sometimes be the only and ultimate way we can then serve others.
If our buckets are empty we have nothing to give others.
This quote re money is one I recently heard that backs this up.
You can’t help the poor by being one of them! ~ Abraham Lincoln
Brene Brown, the author of many outstanding books on shame, vulnerability, empathy and resilience –her latest is Rising Strong – has a beautiful mantra she repeats over and over in her head when someone is requesting something of her.
In order to make sure she stays true to herself and her boundaries, her mantra is “Choose discomfort over resentment”
So if someone is asking her to bake 6 dozen cookies for a baking sale, she can say “No, I can’t. Thanks for asking, and definitely ask again next time, but at the moment my plate’s full.”
It may be uncomfortable to say “No” in that moment, but the other person is clear, rather than if she said “Yes” to be polite but didn’t deliver (we all know those people or have done it ourselves!) or “yes” and then feel resentment towards the person and others around her while she tries to fit baking 6 dozen cookies into her packed schedule (that is my pattern!).
Living Beyond Ego
Saying all the above, I know that when I can let go of any attachment to receiving anything in return for all I give, that’s when I feel most at peace.
When I consciously make the empowered choice to give love, service, money or other things, with the total acceptance that I need and want nothing in return, that’s when I feel most fulfilled in life.
An example
Many moons ago I chose to attempt to mend a rift that had developed between a close friend and I.
Via a personal development course I’d done, I realised that even though my ego had been telling me I had nothing to apologise for and it was all her fault, there were actually parts I had played in our relationship breakdown.
To have this conversation I had to go into it with a genuine attitude that I did not need or want her to say or do anything in response to what I had to say.
I just wanted, from my side of things, to apologise for my part in the rift.
So after I nervously dialed her number and delivered my apology, she literally asked “so am I meant to say something now?” She was, not surprisingly, used to me and others delivering such apologies in order to get one in return.
But because of the space I had entered the conversation from, I was then able to genuinely tell her that she didn’t need to say anything and that I just really was just happy she had listened … and that frankly I had expected her to hang up on me so all the rest was a bonus! 🙂
Her response? A slightly surprised, “Oh, okay”. And we then proceeded to have a long conversation which was was very healing. She didn’t say sorry for anything on her end, but because I’d totally let go of any need to hear any apologies, I was able to just enjoy reconnecting with my beautiful friend.
When I got off that call I cried.
I’d told myself I was better off without her but that was a lie my ego was telling me.
It was such a relief to know our rift was healed. I was well aware our friendship had changed and would never be the same, but by being able to let go of my pride and any expectations of her, a weight was lifted.
I like to think in that situation I gave without expecting anything in return, and in that space I ended up feeling extremely fulfilled.
I believe I “served” her as well as myself in that I offered the olive branch to take, and with that who knows what difference I made in her life. I never truly found out. But the thing is, I really didn’t need to, which was the beauty of it, and so different to my past.
I’ve seen many times since that, that when I am able to stay unattached to any set expectations of how a situation should go or how a conversation “should” play out, things are much more peaceful.
I won’t say I manage it all the time because I don’t, but when I remember to go into any giving or serving situation from a space of non-attachment to outcome, I feel everyone wins.
So that’s some of my reflections about the 7th Verse of the Tao Te Ching.
May you be enjoying the food for thought that the Tao brings to your life.
Keep Smiling
Louise