The supreme good is like water,
which nourishes things without trying to.
It flows to low places loathed by all men.
Therefore, it is like the Tao.Live in accordance with the nature of things.
In dwelling, be close to the land.
In meditation, go deep in the heart.
In dealing with others, be gentle and kind.
Stand by your word.
Govern with equity.
Be timely in choosing the right moment.One who lives in accordance with nature
does not go against the way of things.
He moves in harmony with the present moment,
always knowing the truth of just what to do.~ Wayne Dyer version
Since as for back as I remember I have searched for the answer to the question “Who am I?” I mean, Who am I really? What is my purpose in the world? Where do I belong? Why am I here?
I’ve often wished I could stop seeking answers to these questions and just live a quiet, simple life like I see so many other people do.
Although on some level I think everyone asks these questions, I think some seem to find the answers much faster than I have or they accept that there really may never be answers so they don’t let it bother them.
It’s always bothered me.
But finally, after over 4 decades on this earth, I feel the most at peace within myself as I ever have. Yet I still ponder these questions.
Living like water
This verse of the Tao Te Ching, according to Wayne Dyer is about learning to emulate the nature of water “simply doing what it does and being what it is”.
He suggests we observe how water behaves, and live that way ourselves. “It simply moves, and the benefits it produces occur from it being what it is”
This has me once again reflecting on what is my true nature, when we take away all the conditioning and learned responses.
Who am I really?
“Forget about fighting life or trying to be something else…”
This line particularly connected with me.
I feel like I’ve been “fighting life and trying to be something else” for much of my life. Fighting my instincts/my higher self would probably be more accurate but I think that’s what this line means.
When I look back, I had such a need for certainty in my life that I decided at age 13 what occupation I should work toward.
In the careers office at school I looked up occupations that involved writing, because I had concluded that was something I liked doing and was good at.
I found a page headed “Journalist”, read the description, and decided that was the perfect job for me – talking to people and writing.
From that day forward I tailored my education and life towards journalism.
I took German because I thought it would help me as a journalist. Ditto typing and shorthand (although I was very clear I was not doing these for the traditional vocation of secretary. My ambitions were much loftier! 😉
I did work experience at the most highly respected newspaper in Melbourne –The Age – who only took a limited number of work experience students each year. My ego was boosted, along with my plans to be a journalist.
I went to Germany on exchange because I thought it would give me some life experiences to benefit my journalism – it certainly did but not in the way I’d intended.
I was so desperately homesick and (on reflection) in deep culture shock for the whole 10 weeks. (In one way it was the best thing I ever did up to that point, and in another, it was also the most traumatic experience of my life to that point) … I digress …
Fighting my instincts
At the end of Year 12, I suddenly panicked that “what if journalism wasn’t for me?
“What if I wasn’t really cut out for journalism?” was probably more like it but I didn’t acknowledge that at the time.
I saw an ad for an Australian Federal Police undergraduate scheme, went for the testing, got through to the interview and suddenly found myself doing a B.A. in Criminal Justice Administration – heading for a federal police career not journalism. (I fancied myself as Clarice Starling/Jodie Foster in Silence of the Lambs. Yet like Germany, my fantasy ideals did not stand up in real life).
This wasn’t meant to be such a long story. My whole point is to show that my ambitious, ego-driven mind took charge as early as 13 (and probably earlier) and drowned out my instincts.
I did eventually become a journalist for a short while after completing my B.A. and ditching the federal police idea, and I was a really good journalist. I wrote well, I interviewed well and I was the perfect employee. Except I hated it almost from day one.
But after all those years of telling people journalism was the career for me, I felt I couldn’t tell anyone I hated it. I was ashamed, and I hoped I’d eventually get used to the constant deadlines, high pressure and the prying into people’s lives.
If I’d chosen to listen, my body told me to get out from day one. But I couldn’t deal with the shame of quitting my “dream job”. I wasn’t confident enough in myself to trust my instincts and face my family and friends as a “drop-out” or “failure”.
So I waited until my body stopped me and I had a “legitimate” excuse to quit.
Four months in, the CFS/ME I thought I’d conquered 18 months prior had so debilitated me that I was taking an extended lunch hour of 2 hours, sleeping, then getting home and sleeping another few hours before dinner, back to bed, and repeat.
At this point I was emotionally at breakdown point even more than physically.
I thought once I quit I’d get my health back fairly quickly as I’d done before. But I didn’t. I never have … so far anyway.
Why did I tell you all this?
As I said above, I’ve been “fighting life” and “trying to be something else” for a long, long time.
When I say “fighting life” I mean I’ve been fighting my true inner nature and inclinations –not “living in accordance with the nature of things”.
I wanted a job that earned me respect and acclaim. I thought journalism was it, so with that decision made my ego’s desire for respect and acclaim drove me to ignore my instincts, ignore my body’s warning signs and, I believe, cause me to deplete my body so much it hasn’t managed to recover in over 20 years.
There’s more to it than that – viruses, food sensitivities and other contributors to the CFS/ME – and I do see that by being forced to stop (big time!) I’ve been given the opportunity to develop my inner self and awareness way faster than many people do.
I’m a big believer that everything happens for a reason, but it doesn’t mean you always like it or understand the reason (especially until you’re out of the hole).
It’s only been in the last few years that I’ve started to feel true inner peace. It’s meant me being forced to face the uncertainty of life and really be with it, on my own as a single woman in her 40’s.
I wasn’t ready to face the uncertainty at age 13, but I’m learning to be ok with it now.
This was not what I sat down to write. I planned to write more about reflections on my childhood as an access to seeing what my true self, my true nature is underneath the many layers.
But this is what came out.
Childhood as access to your true nature
I do think reflecting on what brought you joy as a child is a great way to reconnect with the nature of ourselves.
As I reflect, I realise I was very connected to nature as a child. I’ve mentioned my love of tree climbing in a previous post, but it was much more than that.
I realise that other than my love of reading, board games and Saturday morning cartoons, most of my years pre-12 were spent outside – swimming, roaming our tiny town, jumping on the trampoline, gardening at school (we had an awesome vege garden, plus we also had a herb and flower garden where we’d grow things from cuttings), helping my grandfather garden, going out on the farm with Dad, yabbying, rabbiting, walking in the Grampians looking for wildflowers with my family … and later sport replaced many of these activities. Tennis and netball mostly, and also athletics. (I think of these things as less inner nature and more influenced by my lifestyle/ society but they still involved a lot of physical activity and being outside).
I’ve never completely lost my connection to nature, but its only in the last few years that I’ve come to fully appreciate what nature offers me in the way of mental, physical and spiritual nurturing.
On my trip to the US last year to visit my sister and family, who have moved there for 2 years, I found myself just as contented going for walks to see the unusual dragonflies, bumblebees and birds as I was visiting the more touristy places.
Every night possible I sat outside to watch the fireflies light up as darkness came. Those tiny, magical creatures lit me up in a way Graceland couldn’t.
At home the demands of life often distract me from enjoying nature, but I now realise how therapeutic even sitting in my backyard can be – especially when I literally ground myself with my bare feet on the grass.
I adopted my sister’s 14 year old cat a year ago when they left for Illinois.
She’s my first pet other than a budgie (although I grew up with cats and lots of dogs). I was reluctant to get a cat or dog until I had the finances to care for one properly – vet bills are expensive and I’m a softy so I know if something happened I’d pull out all the stops to save my pet – but now fate finds me with a cat who has proved to be a joy to my life.
She is a little piece of nature prowling around my house like a tiny lion, or sleeping on my bed in her many photo-worthy positions (yes, I’m now a cat lady! 😉
So I see that one of my best ways to connect with my own true nature is to keep connected to Mother Nature. Water is such a huge part of my life – my daily, healing baths particularly.
I have been appreciating water much more over the past 5 days. It truly is a great metaphor for life.
I’ve always planned to do some research about why water seems to be so healing – baths, swimming in the ocean, sitting looking at a lake or breaking waves. I’ll table that one for a later blog.
There is truly so much I could talk about in relation to the messages in the 8th Verse of the Tao, but for now that seems enough.
I’m going to take the advice of the Tao and move “in harmony with the present moment“, trusting that what I’ve written is me “knowing the truth of just what to do“.
Till next time
Keep smiling
Louise