To keep on filling
is not as good as stopping.
Overfilled, the cupped hands drip,
better to stop pouring.Sharpen a blade too much
and its edge will soon be lost.
Fill your house with jade and gold
and it brings insecurity.
Puff yourself with honor and pride
and no one can save you from a fall.Retire when the work is done;
this is the way to heaven.~ Wayne Dyer version
This verse has perhaps had the most impact on me and my life so far in the actual living of it.
And it’s the first two lines that keep echoing in my mind as I go about my day-to-day life – “To keep on filling is not as good as stopping”.
There are so many aspect of life where it applies, but it’s been in my role as a mother that I have been applying it most in recent days.
Better To Stop Pouring … Words
I often find myself in a state of frustration over things my daughter has not done despite me asking over and over.
Bedtime can often be a risky time for that frustration to overflow into an angry tirade as I walk into her room to say goodnight and see various things I have asked her to do something about – bowls not taken to the kitchen, clothes not put away, dirty clothes not put in the laundry – the regular stuff!
Late at night I’m tired – we both are – and it’s so easy for tempers to flare.
But last night I started to say something, and then I stopped.
It only ends our day on a bad note and is usually pointless to start a discussion over what has or hasn’t been done.
I always know this, but due to the late hour and heightened stress levels, words start pouring out before I can stop them.
But last night I decided it was “better to stop pouring”. If things need to be sorted out it’s better done when we are both well rested.
I had another experience on the way home from school the other night that provided another chance for me to practice stopping.
My daughter just started secondary school 10 days ago and I’m already seeing a change in her.
She no longer wants me to kiss her goodnight and has got a bit surly at the end of the day.
This stuff ignites fear in me that I’ll lose the strong bond I’ve worked so hard to build with her over the past 12 years.
So as we drove home Friday night after having a misunderstanding as to where to pick her up and sitting in a hot car for 20 minutes, I was hot and grumpy. And she was tired and a bit grumpy too.
Usually she’s full of chat, but it was a bit tense in the car. I asked one question and got a short answer, and in my hot, grumpy state I was about to give her a lecture about being rude to me.
Then I stopped.
I acknowledged to myself that: 1. Our misunderstanding had already got us off to a bad start; 2. She was finishing her first full week of secondary school and was obviously physically and emotionally drained (hence, the surly attitude at times); and 3. Saying anything further in the current emotional atmosphere was going to keep taking the mood down.
So I chose to just zip my lip – “Retire when the work is done”.
I have a habit of keeping on speaking when I should just shut up. I can be like a dog with a bone when I get on a rant, especially in my parenting role.
I have power in this relationship and by golly I love using it when it suits me (or my ego does!).
If I’m fired up over some misdemeanour or slight I feel my daughter has inflicted on me, there’s often no stopping the vitriol that spews from my usually positive, loving mouth.
I know I should shut up, but my ego has other ideas. It’s offended!!
So just learning when to zip it OR forcing myself to do so when I see the signs is a good start for me.
I’ve often made my point about 10 sentences ago (you’ll notice it’s sometimes the case in my writing too at times!), but I keep going.
Why? It feels good to have someone to take my frustrations out on who can’t fire me, break up with me or otherwise abandon me.
Pathetic?! Yes.
Seen in in the cold, hard light of day, it’s quite appalling. But “cold, hard light of day” is not always the filter I’m viewing things through in those moments.
I always regret it afterward if I’ve gone too far, and I apologise, but the guilt remains.
Similar to someone binge eating and regretting it (or purging) or gambling your pay away. All types of excess lead to unwanted consequences, and I see that speaking (or yelling) when it’s not needed is a type of excess I can learn to control – in my parenting and in general life.
It may seem more trivial than an alcoholic going on a bender, but I can guarantee the negative impact my continued ranting and raving has on my relationship with my only child is cumulative.
If I can halt that and recognise “when the work is done” I may well save my relationship with my daughter in the long term – and boost my pride and respect in myself as well.
[Incidentally, I questioned her about the goodnight thing and it turned out she didn’t want me coming into her bedroom and seeing her mess, so that’s why she didn’t want me kissing her goodnight, not because she’s grown out of it. It’s because she’s afraid I’ll blow up at her!! … Oh how well this child humbles me at times!]
Learning to enjoy the present
“Seek the joy in your activities rather than focusing on ego’s agenda” ~ Wayne Dyer, Change Your Thoughts, Change Your Life: Living the Wisdom of the Tao
I have also been focusing on enjoying the present moment with my daughter. This is not a new thing for me, but I can do with the daily reminder.
It’s so easy to get caught up in the activities of life – being “busy, busy, busy” – and suddenly you find your child is 12 years old and is on the verge of not wanting to spend her time with you.
That’s a huge wake up call.
I’ve always been present to how short a time we have our kids in our care … well, ok I try to always be present to this, but sometimes it feels like it’s draaaaaaging! 😉
Yeah, sometimes I just want to be selfish and do stuff for me rather than focussing on my child’s needs all the time. And sometimes I get a little bit too “me-time-ish” and need to metaphorically slap myself.
Luckily I do this regularly, so even when I don’t really feel like going to the pool for a swim or playing a board game or whatever activity my daughter is keen on, I push my ego self aside and choose to spend time with my kid.
This weekend I could easily have just kept working on getting my house in order, doing work on the various projects I have going, and not specifically setting aside time with my daughter.
But,
(1) I know one day I’ll look back and regret it if I don’t.
(2) It’s not all about me. My daughter’s needs and desires are important too.
(3) I know when I stop resisting this stuff, I have a lovely time with my girl & it builds on our relationship
So, I went to the pool for a swim, laughed with my daughter as she showed me her slow-motion underwater walking skills, watched her swim, and got all the lovely healing effects of being in the water and out in the sun.
And later I played Monopoly with her – something that I, ironically, resist considering I adored the game as a kid and played copious games of Monopoly throughout my childhood.
It’s so easy to continue to try to do more chores, jobs, emails, texts, Facebook-checking, phone calls …. and stay busy constantly in our lives, but without quality relationships, what meaning does any of it have?
STOPPING and reminding ourselves to enjoy the present moment and connect with our friends and family is so essential to living a fulfilling, happy life, and this verse helped keep this present in my mind.
As usual there’s so much more I could write on this verse. But these are the things that came up in the living of the verse in the last few days.
Let me know below or over in our Facebook Group what YOU got out of living this verse.
Loving this journey. Thanks for joining me on it
Keep Smiling 🙂
Louise